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Captain_T
So. That whole doomsday thing didn't happen. Which is nice. I don't go in for calling it the 'Mayan Apocalypse' as the Mayans didn't say the world would end - semantics but I think you'll agree in this case that the semantics have been incredibly important. 

I thought since I've not been posting for AGES now, that I would quietly update what I've been up to. Not a lot. 

Well....that was easy, See ya! 

JK - sort of. I've been working for the last few months [and for the next few] for School Support in town. Going good actual. Not sure if I want to keep with it or look for something new....the world is my oyster - as they say. Honestly, I came on here today, thinking I would just get rid of my journal entries, and delete my account. But re-reading through my marvelous previous novellas, I've been moved to put that idea on the back burner and just keep with it. And I'm finding that my gusto for the written word has returned, Or possibly the fact that you, gentle reader - would miss me FAR TOO MUCH if I didn't occasionally post on here. At this stage, occasionally seems to mean roughly twice a year. And I'm okay with that. The last thing I want to do is bore myself with pathetic entries about nothing, and bore you too. Granted, my stuff won't win the Booker Prize, but hey, at least I'm writing, and it's mine. 

Stay tuned for some more thrilling heroics in about 6 months time.

Heh. Total Firefly reference. 
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An individual expression of style…

It is this which I think helps people get through trying times.  Take, for example, a relationship break up.  One person has usually decided things aren’t working and the other is left to figure out “what the hell just happened”?  Or, you get made redundant.  Or [worse case scenario] someone you love dies.  Any kind of big life clusterfuck needs some sign of the stress you are going through.  And I don’t mean a breakdown.

Although that is tempting. 

And I thought for myself a breakdown was imminent after we had all the earthquakes, and I just couldn’t seem to…..do anything [eat/sleep/care/cope].  But coming through the other side of your misfortune does indeed make you a stronger person.  You might not believe it at the time, but it really does. 

Physically expressing yourself can help you with the turmoil.  Possibly because, in focusing on something more trivial – you are finding a way to cope.  A new tattoo, or hair colour, or nice new pair of boots can make you feel better about you and your place in the world.  It doesn’t fix your issue/s, of course – but in doing something for yourself, that is just for you, I think releases a portion of that stress you’ve been holding onto, for whatever reason.  And releasing that portion of stress, letting it go, no matter how tiny a portion it is, automatically means you are holding onto less.  And every time you do something for yourself…whatever that may be…the stress lessens.  And the trick of it is that after a while – if you’ve been taking care of yourself, you’ll find the stress is manageable.  In fact, if you’re very lucky, the stress will barely be there at all.    

Now please understand, I’m not saying go around holding a banner and shouting I’M NUMBER ONE!  That will not win you friends.  But sometimes people are so busy doing things for everyone around them; they forget to do things for themselves.  Have some “you” time.  Chillax.  I give you permission.  

Current Mood: content content

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Happiness shouldn’t be fleeting.  It should be lasting.  It seems that this year has decided that happiness for us is indeed all too brief. 
 
Other people’s mishaps and misadventures are affecting me seriously at the moment.  Perhaps it’s the time of year?  That I’m tired….and therefore more emotional?  Perhaps.  I can’t seem to move past how sad things are for people I know lately.  There are great joys in the world.  But right now, it is almost impossible to think of any of them.  I want unbridled joy and awesomeness for my loved ones.  And for myself.  But it doesn’t seem to be working! 
 
Jesus Christ when do things start to fucking improve?  And how long do I have to wait?  The rest of my life?  How is that fair? 

Current Mood: pessimistic pessimistic

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You know how they say “it’s so stressful buying a house”? Well, I don’t think it’s the house-buying part that hurts.  I think it’s the “moving all your shit into a new space” thing that gets you.
 
You have NO IDEA how much crap you own until you have to box it all up, for a slightly new existence.  I find it almost unbelievable how much real rubbish I have kept.  Some things for sentimental value [of course], but other things, I pick them up and think ‘why on earth did I keep this?’ ‘it means nothing to me’ or - and this is my personal favourite -‘what the fuck is that?’
 
Long story slightly shorter – when we move back into the flat, we are having a MASSIVE CULL.  And we mean it too.  Crap is going to go to the dump or to Paddy’s Hole.  Paddy is my Uncle’s mate.  He has a farm.  Enough said. 
 
Cleaning out your clutter is almost like cleaning out your system.  Getting rid of stuff that is clogging you up, stopping you from enjoying life, getting you down…who needs bits of broken junk anyway?  What’s it for?  I’m going to somehow put together some AMAYZING thing that uses all these parts?  I think not.  Sigh.  The worse part is, you don’t even know you’re doing it.  Accumulating stuff I mean.  You are pootling along, minding your own business, spending that lovely disposable income you have, and the next thing, you look around, and you are on one of those TV shows.  The ones where somebody has been dead for three years, but the neighbours couldn’t tell because when they looked in the windows all they saw were newspapers from 1937. 
 
Let’s not be those people, okay?
 
I’m going to keep that.  I might find a use for it…you don’t know. 

Current Mood: aggravated aggravated

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 I remember care-free days. Being a kid. Sometimes I wish to go back to it, but most days happier being the adult I am. A person with strength, skill, honour and purpose. Gifted these ideals by a beautiful, wonderful, loving mother. I was, of course, raised by a village – said village consisted of my grandparents, and my aunties and uncles. And because I was the first grandchild, I was showered with love and affection.

These people made me who I am. Yes, they were/are flawed, but the best people are. No one can say they haven’t ever made any mistakes in their life. And these people did make some. But they also made our family such a strong one, with bonds that have stayed with us all to this very day.

I mention this only because the national past time of judging other people without knowing them seems to have reared its ugly head again. My mother was a solo parent. Not through her own choice, but because my sperm donor was an absolute idiot, who didn’t know what he had. And didn’t know what he gave up. To cut a long story slightly shorter, he had a lot of children to different mothers, and never settled down with anyone. And as a consequence of his thoughtless action, will NEVER have any kind of relationship with me. At all.

But I don’t need him. I have everything I’ve ever needed to grow up to be the person my village wanted me to be, without his influence in any way. And I’m a better person for it. Because of him, or perhaps in spite of him, I am a woman who knows her own mind, can speak up for and defend herself, and doesn’t have any self-esteem issues.

Current Mood: thankful thankful

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 Or, more affectionately known as Winter. But that’s boring. When it snows in Christchurch, New Zealand, it is quite the big deal. We got about 20 centimetres of hard-packed snow on Monday 25th July 2011. And the city shut down. Americans and Canadians must think that’s quite funny, but we don’t have the infrastructure to deal with the consequences of such a snow ‘dump’. Being such a small place means it does affect us quite a lot. On the other hand – LONG WEEKEND! WOO HOO!

Onto another topic. My job search is becoming incredibly boring. Frustrating. Stressful. Annoying. And a tad unhealthy. I think I’m starting to become far too involved psychologically in the process of the job hunt. Sooner or later there will be a positive result. Hoping for sooner. And hoping for the best result for me.

That’s all for now kids. Be good.

Current Mood: busy

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There are a few things I LOVE about flying to far-flung locales.  One of my favourites is the hot towels.  I mean, genius, right?  Whoever originally thought of that is a lovely, lovely person, cos I look forward to the hot towels, perhaps a bit too much.  Also, attentive cabin crew.  This cannot be underestimated in importance.  Seats that go all the way back into a lying down position [limited to Business & First Class, but still].  All the water you can possibly drink.  I hate getting thirsty on a flight – and it appears the cabin crew know this.  I also hate being bored.  Which can be my own fault, but seriously, if all you have to watch is movies you’ve already seen, and tv show episodes you’ve already seen, it can be a drag.  Some would argue this is where books come in handy, but what if I don’t feel like reading?  Or doing a crossword puzzle?  Or napping for two hours?  I finally used my mp3 player for the first time on a flight while away on my most recent sojourn*, and enjoyed my own tunes whilst tootling along the atmosphere. 

 

Random question:

 

Has a plane ever crashed SOLELY because the window shades were down?  I think not.  But they insist upon having them up for landing.  Tray tables and seat backs I get.  But window shades?  Really?  I understand crashing if the engines fell out of the wings [not that this happens that much either – and if you’re reading this as a nervous flyer – THIS NEVER HAPPENS AT ALL], but I can’t imagine a Singapore Airlines cabin crew member coming up to me and screaming “for the love of god, lift up those window shades – we’re going to crash – oh my god – we are all going to die - why would you do this????” at me.  Or possibly I’ve just never had the pleasure of being on that particular flight.

 

Singapore Airlines cabin crew are so polite, they would never yell that anyway.  They might give me a stern look – but that’s as far as they would go.

 

*Oh, that’s the other thing.  Went to see my big sister in the UK, visited some lovely places while being over there [Bath] and saw some touristy sites [Windsor Castle, The Tower of London, The London Eye, Madame Tussaud's] and had the extreme pleasure of attending The Doctor Who Experience at Olympia [which I love love loved!]  I also jaunted to Nice, France for a week, with the sister and her husband.  Spent a day in San Remo, Italy [the first birthday I’ve ever spent in a foreign country] and visited the villages of Gatteries and Vence.  Went to Antibes one day and thought it was pretty and brilliant.  Lost my wallet at Nice airport on the way back to the UK, but shit happens.  Came back to New Zealand revived and refreshed.  Now I just need a job – so I can start planning my next trip.  Picked up the travel bug, never getting rid of it! 

 

One piece of advice to pass on to anyone travelling – fly Business Class.  Seriously worth it, and if you do this once, you will NEVER fly cattle class again.  Trust me.  So much better. 

Current Mood: grateful grateful

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I’m sitting in my room, on my computer, with a freshly made cup of tea.  Checking my emails, updating Twitter, logging into Facebook, the ordinary tasks of an ordinary life.  Then the shaking started.  A little bit at first, and then more.  And then more still, until I grabbed my drink, not wanting it to spill – but I start shaking, and the tea slops in and around the cup like the ocean in full fury.  Thoughts like whirling dervishes in my head.  Mostly of the ‘what the fuck’ variety. 

 

Everything has fallen down.  In my shock/dismay/incoherence I stumble into the hallway, over books and other things, into the lounge room.  Everything is everywhere – and not like it should be.  I look out the front window, then not believing, I harshly pull aside the curtains.  There’s water out there?  What?  Why is there water out there and where is it coming from?  It’s coming.  At me.  Fast.  It’s coming up to the door [ohmygodohmygodohmygod – it’s going to come in!  Please don’t let it come in!  I don’t want to drown!] but just as it reaches the doormat, it stops.  Breathe.  Breathe again.  I go to the back and look out the window.  OH NO.  It’s here too!  Please stop!  And I say it out loud again when the aftershocks keep happening.  ‘Stop’.  ‘Stop’.  ‘Please, please stop’.  And then the panic sets in.  You don’t know this kind of panic if you haven’t experienced this kind of disaster.  Blind, choking, irrational, flight response kind of panic.  I quickly start throwing things [my things, my stuff, these things are important to me] on the bed, cos if that stuff gets in they will be ruined.  But it doesn’t. 

 

‘Don’t worry about outside – just focus on inside’ ‘Don’t worry about outside – just focus on inside’ ‘Don’t worry about outside – just focus on inside’ I tell myself this 13 million times.  The shock abates.  I can breathe again.  My mind starts to come back to me, slowly.  I need to….do things.  There are things I need to do, but what first?  Clean the hallway.  Fill the bath.  The old corded phone rings.  I don’t get to it in time.  I start crying and yell ‘please ring back’.  It does, in a few minutes, but it seems like 5 hours.  It’s my Nana.  She sounds so calm, which calms me.  I remember to keep breathing.  Our street is flooded, I text Mum ‘we have liquefaction, the street is flooded, love you’.  I don’t get her reply until after she gets here.  I don’t want to let her go.  I’ve never been as frightened in my life as I was this day.  I can gladly go the rest of my [hopefully very long] life without ever having to experience this again. 

 

The shock goes away, followed by an odd sort of serenity.  We are okay.  Everyone I love is safe.  But then reports come in of buildings collapsed, people killed, lives ruined.  Nothing like the September one at all.  Far more violent, far more vicious.  We don’t have power or water.  But we don’t consider leaving.  This is our home, it is our space, our place of being.  It is ours. 

 

Others have left.  I don’t blame them.  Some people were so traumatised by last September’s events this is the last straw for them and they can’t even contemplate considering staying in Christchurch.  It is their choice.  As it is mine to stay.  But I expect we may move to the west of the city – as it wasn’t badly damaged.

 

As of Friday 4th March 2011 we have water.  No power [but hopefully that will come back on this weekend].  We are borrowing power from a neighbour [who is borrowing from another neighbour] using a trusty extension cord.  This means we can charge our phones and I can get online.  And we can watch television.  Not that we have been.  Only plugging one appliance in at a time means the reception on the television is a bit shit.  But still watchable. 

 

It is my fondest wish that you never have to go through this at all. 

Current Mood: calm calm

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When you’re a person in the world, you’re supposed to want certain things. You’re supposed to be a certain way, and chase certain dreams. You have to pass certain milestones in certain time-frames, and if you don’t do any of these things when you are expected to, you are considered a failure. Or so different from the normal as to be strange and weird, and perhaps crazy.

I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 17. I didn’t have sex for the first time until I was 29. I’ve never been in love. I’m still learning how to drive. I live with my Mum. I don’t have a career – I’ve had jobs. I never went to University. I’ve never gone flatting. I’ve not had a child or children. I still have posters on my wall of actors I like, and pretty pictures. I have a lot of junk and spend too much time on my computer. I like to be alone a lot.

I’m comfortable and secure with these things. They are truths about me that most people in my life already know. I’m not and never have been interested in hiding my truths from other people. Don’t believe I’ll start now.


With this in mind….


My life hasn’t turned out exactly as I wanted. But I don’t think it’s supposed to. Everyone has their own ideas about what you should be like, and most of the time it’s complete bollocks. You can’t plan for anything. And you certainly can’t plan for how your path will present itself and the challenges and decisions you will face in your time on this world. You do the best you can, with what you have. And if you are very lucky, you have been raised by someone [or perhaps even a whole tribe of someones] who have taught you to be honest, forthright, polite, loving, truthful and strong.


This isn’t the blog post I intended to write tonight. But I guess it needed saying. For my own benefit – if not for those couple of peeps that read this thing.

Guess I’m feeling the need to justify myself for some reason. But truths are truths – whether other people like them or not.

Current Mood: calm calm

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I’m a Science Fiction fanatic. There, I said it. It’s all my mums fault. When I was far too young to know any better, after I had attended my ballet class, we would get fish and chips for tea, and go home to watch repeats of Star Trek. The original show kids, this was the early eighties – a time when lots of old timey shows made their way onto the free to air TV screens. I can remember with fondness Battlestar Galactica, Blakes 7, The Land of the Giants, and Lost in Space. What a thrilling time to be growing up! So, my induction to this wondrous genre began. I now believe that Star Trek however, is a gateway drug. This was before I was old enough to see Star Wars IV, V and VI. But they had a remarkable effect on me too. Never mind all the fabulous movies there were for kids in those days…The Last Starfighter, Flight of the Navigator, The Dark Crystal, Labyrinth, The Neverending Story, The Princess Bride, The Goonies, Ghostbusters…these are in no order whatsoever.

Getting back to the television. Then of course, there was Star Trek: The Next Generation followed by Star Trek: Deep Space Nine followed by Star Trek Voyager followed by Star Trek: Enterprise [by which time I suffered viewer fatigue, so did not watch].

My fanatical attachment to Stargate started innocently enough. Saw the original movie, with Kurt Russell and James Spader playing the roles of Captain Jack O’Neill and Daniel Jackson respectively. Liked the movie, thought it was a bit ho hum, but still liked it. When news of a TV show spinoff came to my ears, I thought ‘okay, I suppose I’ll watch it and see how naff it is’. Thirteen years later…I cannot get enough of Stargate SG1/SGA/SGU. People who don’t like and/or appreciate it don’t understand my rampant lust for these shows. Yeah, I’m leaving that sentence how it is.

In amongst all this love, other Science Fiction and Fantasy TV shows gave/still give me girl wood. Babylon 5, Firefly, Farscape, Crusade, Lexx, Battlestar Galactica redux, Doctor Who, Torchwood, Primeval, True Blood, Being Human etc and so on and so forth heretofore forthwith…

The great thing about these shows is…hard to put into words. For someone who doesn’t get the genre, no words will do, for someone who does get it, no words are needed.

Current Mood: creative

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